


Saturn's Return

by fiireside



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heartache, M/M, Slow Romance, Smut, Sort Of, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-04-24 11:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19172263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiireside/pseuds/fiireside
Summary: His heart is racing at the thought of seeing Miles. The last time they saw each other was in August, when Alex had broken up with his last placeholder girlfriend and moved his life back to London. Miles had come to help set up his musical gear, they had chatted for a while about nothing particularly significant, and that was it. Miles didn’t spend the night, he didn’t ask Alex about the breakup any more than he was obligated to. He certainly did not kiss Alex or make any sort of move that Alex so desperately wanted him to. They had sat a noticeable distance apart on Alex’s settee as they watched whatever TV show Miles was into at the time, and all Alex wanted was for things to be back the way they were. But he knew it was unfair of him to want Miles to make that happen when he was the one who burned the bridge.





	Saturn's Return

**Author's Note:**

> _"Saturn's Return is when the planet Saturn comes back to meet your natal Saturn. It takes about 29.5 years for this slow-mover to return to where it was when you were born. The return of Saturn hits in the late 20s and its impact is felt into the early 30s. Saturn's Return is a wake-up call, and this is why so many fear it's sobering realities. If you've spent your twenties in a fog, coasting on your youthful charm, it becomes obvious that your foundation is too flimsy for the long haul. Sometimes we make life choices before we really know who we are. At Saturn's return, some of these choices are revealed to be out of sync with our true destiny."_

**~**  
**January 1 st, 2020  
**

“Miles,” Alex drawls out when he finally answers the phone. It’s been buzzing on the counter for a solid thirty seconds; Alex couldn’t decide whether or not to answer, but Miles calling was such a rarity at this point he knew he’d be a fool not to.

“Hello, Alex,” that voice Alex has missed so much answers. Things may change but Miles always feels like home – even when there’s continents or oceans separating them, a wave of calmness and security will wash over Alex at the mere sound of Miles’ voice.

Alex doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what he should say. After all, _he’s_ the one who’s fucked things up between them, and yet Miles is the one reaching out. Alex feels presumptive for thinking this call may be to make amends, as he knows he doesn’t deserve Miles’ forgiveness, but he can’t help but hope that’s what the call is.

A moment passes. “What can I do for you?” Alex finally says. He hates the words the second they come out of his mouth; they sound too impersonal, or rather too blunt and stunted for a conversation between two people who have been best friends for fifteen years.

“I’m in London,” Miles answers simply. “Last I heard you were still living in your place in Shoreditch.”

“I am,” Alex says. His heart is racing at the thought of seeing Miles. The last time they saw each other was in August, when Alex had broken up with his last placeholder girlfriend and moved his life back to London. Miles had come to help set up his musical gear, they had chatted for a while about nothing particularly significant, and that was it. Miles didn’t spend the night, he didn’t ask Alex about the breakup any more than he was obligated to. He certainly did not kiss Alex or make any sort of move that Alex so desperately wanted him to. They had sat a noticeable distance apart on Alex’s settee as they watched whatever TV show Miles was into at the time, and all Alex wanted was for things to be back the way they were. But he knew it was unfair of him to want Miles to make that happen when he was the one who burned the bridge.

He hears Miles exhale on the other end of the phone. “Well,” he begins. “If you want, I’d love to see you for your birthday.”

Alex is silent.

Miles is obviously waiting for a response, but Alex can’t think, let alone speak. “Erm, Al? Will you be around then?”

“Yes,” he breathes out when he remembers how to talk. “Yeah, yes, I’ll be here.”

“OK,” Miles answers. “Dinner then? I’m cooking.”

Alex smiles. He doesn’t deserve Miles. He truly just does not.

“Sounds like a date.”

**~**  
**August 23 rd, 2008  
**

“You said those two gigs yesterday at Leeds was the best day of your life,” the interviewer says pointedly to Miles, though friendly, and Alex’s heart rate doubles upon hearing those words.

Miles seems to be stumbling across his words, but Alex honestly can’t really hear what he’s saying, catching a “Friday, Friday” and the interviewer once again saying “best day of your life?” and then cooing when Miles agrees with her statement. Alex is just hyper focused on Miles, suddenly unable to perceive anything that isn’t the boy next to him.

“I was a bit emotional after our Puppets gig, weren’t I?” Miles says when he turns to face Alex. Their eyes meet and Alex feels a wide, genuine smile spread across his face as he giggles and nods, remembering exactly what Miles is talking about from the day before. After their show Miles was more than a bit emotional; the two of them had immediately tucked themselves away into their tour bus before anyone could come find them and try to congratulate them or whatnot. The second the door to the bus closed behind them Miles had Alex pressed against it and was kissing him slowly and in a way that made it feel like the first kiss of his life, despite it not even being his first kiss with Miles. Something about their performance stirred something in both of them, and Alex quite literally could not detach himself from Miles for the rest of the night.

“Should we cry?” the interviewer jokes, bringing Alex back to the present moment. He’s still staring at Miles and he can feel the smile that’s still on his face. He blinks once before mumbling out a “yeah,” just to remain part of this interview, but he’s still consumed by Miles next to him.

He’s never felt this with anyone; he doesn’t feel it with Alexa and he never felt it with his previous girlfriends, and he almost feels guilty about it, but Miles is just Miles. Deep down he knows that he probably never will feel this way about anyone else, and that everyone knows it and the two of them are the constant elephant in the room, but he doesn’t care. He honestly can’t bring himself to care about anyone or anything that isn’t Miles.

Alex didn’t say it in the interview, but he knows Miles understood from the look in his eyes, that their gig yesterday at Leeds was the best day of his life as well.

**~**  
**July 30 th, 2015**

Malibu is beautiful. They may give James shit for how adamant he was about coming here later on, but in this moment, right now, neither of them would rather be anywhere else.

The studio has a large window seat that overlooks the ocean. It very quickly became Alex’s favorite napping spot, as the setting sun would cast the perfect patch of sunlight onto the cushion and provide a setup any cat would die to have. Alex’s naps also quickly became shared naps with Miles, since they were rarely ever not at each other’s sides and were taking any opportunity they could to be together.

Currently it is well past eleven at night. They’ve had a long day in the studio – not that it ever really feels like work, but it does stress Alex out, being the obsessive and anxious workaholic he is. He’s tired and lying on the window bench with Miles curled around him. He’s leaning back against the slew of pillows and watching Miles watch him as he leans on his elbow and twirls a finger into Alex’s long, overgrown, greasy hair. After a few minutes Miles’ finger leaves his hair and trails down to trace his jawline, then his neck (pausing a little when Alex giggles and mumbles something about it tickling), then messing with the collar of his soft grey t-shirt. Miles quite simply cannot take his eyes off the man lying beneath him. Rarely is Alex ever as relaxed and carefree as he is when alone with Miles, and Miles never gets over how much of an effect he has on Alex.

Alex slowly reaches up to cup Miles’ face and stroke his thumb over his cheekbone, a soft hum coming from his throat as he does so. Miles can’t help but return the small smile Alex gives him.

“Hm,” he sounds again, still moving his thumb gently on Miles’ face and letting his fingers sink into Miles’ short hair.

And really, moments like this happen all the time between the two of them these days, but Miles would be lying if he tried to deny that something shifted between them right then.

As Miles opened his mouth to whisper something, anything, they hear the door swing open and see Zackery coming in with his camera around his neck.

“Oh, sorry – do you guys mind if I snap a couple real quick?”

**~**  
**August 26 th, 2016  
**

“Come with me,” Miles says as he tugs on Alex’s arm to pull him from bed. Their last shared hotel bed, the last night of the tour, the last of the Last Shadow Puppets.

Alex groans. He doesn’t understand why Miles wants to do anything right now except lie in each other’s company and maybe have sex again. It’s after three in the morning and they have to be at the airport by noon tomorrow and the last thing Alex wants to do right now is get up.

Miles is still pulling on Alex’s arm, and because Alex can’t deny Miles a thing, he finds himself sitting up and putting his feet on the floor to look for his clothes.

As it turns out, Miles just wanted to go up to the roof.

“I know it’s cliché,” he says as they sit down, Alex between Miles’ legs with his back to Miles’ chest. The city is loud around them but at the same time it feels like they’re the only two people in the world. The moon is all but a silver sliver in the sky and Alex can’t take his eyes off it.

“You’re anything but cliché,” Alex replies, feeling Miles’ arms slink around him. He kisses Alex’s hair softly a second later.

“I just thought,” he starts, letting his fingers slip underneath Alex’s shirt to rub at his hip bones, “since you said sometimes you stare at the moon, wondering where I am or what I’m doing, or—” he lowers his voice to a whisper for the next few words, clearly teasing Alex, “who I’m kissing, this one time we could stare at it together and you don’t have to wonder. And after this any time you find yourself staring and I’m not there you can know wherever I am, whatever I’m doing or whoever I’m kissing I’d rather be with you.”

Alex doesn’t know how to respond. He’s trying not to tear up again, as that’d make it four times he’s cried today, and he knows once the emotional moment they’re in passes Miles won’t let him live it down. He simply pushes his face into Miles’ neck and exhales shakily.

“There’s not enough time in the world for me to repay you for this summer,” Alex finally says. “You’ve made me happier than I thought I could ever be. And I love you.”

Miles puts his finger under Alex’s chin and tilts his face up. “You don’t have to thank me,” he whispers as he leans in, brushing his lips against Alex’s. “I love you too.”

Alex is kissing him before Miles can continue speaking and notice the tears forming in his eyes.

If Alex has learned anything this summer, it’s that once it’s started, it really is so tricky to stop.

**~**  
**March 17 th, 2017  
**

“C’mon, Al, it’s me birthday,” Miles slurs, arm over Alex’s shoulder and face against Alex’s hair. He’s in the sweet spot right now – not drunk enough to forget anything that’s happening, but drunk enough to get past the anxiety that usually holds him back from being like this with Alex in such public situations.

They’re at Alex’s house, his pool specifically, and all of their friends are there to celebrate Miles’ 31st birthday. He’s glad to be with Alex for it, as he couldn’t be with Alex for his 31st in January, but he wishes they were alone. He’d have to be held at metaphorical gunpoint to outright admit it, but he wants Alex more than anything else in the world. He wants Alex to be his – no more of this “best friends with lots of benefits” arrangement they have going on. But any time the topic has come up in the slightest to Alex, he scurries around it and deflects before it can get serious. Miles has definitely noticed, and Alex has definitely noticed Miles noticing.

“Al,” he basically sings into Alex’s ear. Alex is still. His arm is around Miles’ waist and he’s staring out at their guests, aware no one is paying attention to them, including his girlfriend. She’s off on the other side of the pool with her dog at her side, lying in the sun with her eyes shut.

“You wanna pop into the shower or something?” Alex whispers back. He’s drunk too, but nowhere near drunk enough that he’ll admit to anything Miles knows he’s feeling.

“No,” Miles says, nails digging into the skin on Alex’s shoulder. “I want _you_ , Al. The sweetest gift of all.”

He feels Alex giggle, but his expression doesn’t change. “You have me, Miles.”

“Mmm, but I don’t,” he says, stumbling a bit as he tries to shuffle closer to Alex. “I want you to myself. I don’t want your girlfriend taking pictures of me, her boyfriend’s best friend, for her Instagram. I want my… my caramel? Sweet candy?”

“Dulce de leche?”

“Yes,” Miles laughs. “I want you, my dulce de leche, all for myself.”

He can feel Alex blushing. They’re so close he can feel the heat rising in Alex’s cheeks.

Alex doesn’t respond, though. He’s silent for a few moments, watching their friends splash around in the pool in the sun, picturesque if he’s ever seen it, and he feels so far removed from it all. Miles’ arm around him and breath against his hair is the only thing keeping him grounded.

Miles’ heart drops to his feet when he finally speaks.

“You want another drink?”

**~**  
**October 25 th, 2017  
**

Miles is sat on the floor with Alex sat on the settee behind him, Alex’s legs framing Miles’ shoulders. His hands are in Miles’ hair and some wrestling match Miles is making Alex watch is playing on the TV at a low volume. Miles has been growing his hair long, and currently they have almost the same haircut – if it weren’t for Alex’s goatee they would look uncomfortably similar. They’d decided after their first tour as the Last Shadow Puppets that they can’t have too similar haircuts again, as nothing is weirder than the two of them being able to pass as siblings.

The LA sun is setting directly onto the two of them in Alex’s living room, and Alex isn’t paying attention to the match at all; instead he’s fully occupied by the warmth from the sun and Miles seeping into his bones and the feeling of Miles’ long hair between his fingers, running his nails ever so gently across Miles’ scalp and listening to the soft hums that elicits from him.

“That feels nice, Al,” he whispers, closing his eyes and letting his head loll back a bit.

“Mmm,” Alex sounds back. “It feels so soft without the gel you put in it. Are you trying to look like me?”

Miles scoffs. “I could never. I don’t have your enormous Dracula-esque widow’s peak. I’d be a terrible Alex Turner impersonator.”

“Very funny,” Alex mumbles. “I like your hair long, though. It makes you look… I don’t know. Different, I guess. In a good way.”

Miles just stays silent, focusing on Alex’s fingers combing through his hair and pulling on it so softly he almost doesn’t notice. After a few minutes, Alex stands up and leaves the room abruptly. Miles watches him go, and in less than a second, he’s back, with a very familiar pot of hair gel in his hands.

“Thought I could give you some styling tips,” Alex giggles as he returns to his previous position around Miles. “Since I’m the pomade expert and all.”

“I’m honored,” Miles says, listening to Alex unscrew the lid. “Can’t wait to learn from the b—”

“Done!” Alex says suddenly. Miles had felt his hand run through his hair once, and he can’t see his hair right now, but he can feel it, and if his assumption is correct…

“Oi!” he shouts as he runs his hand up to his hair, feeling how it’s sticking straight up in some weird, wilting mohawk type style. “Give me that!” He lunges for the pot of pomade in Alex’s hands, but Alex is faster than him, jumping back into the couch and clutching the hair product with all the strength he has. Miles is straddling atop of him trying to pry it out of his hands, and Alex is in hysterics at the look of Miles’ hair and determined expression on his face above him, which just makes Miles’ resolve weaker as there is nothing that melts him faster than Alex laughing the way he is now.

“Fucking twat,” he mutters, getting off of Alex and slumping into the cushion, which just makes Alex laugh harder, because now he’s sat there with the grumpiest expression he can manage and his hair sticking straight up into the air.

Finally, Alex calms down, sitting up and breathing heavily as he quells the laughter that’s still bubbling around inside of him. “Oh… oh, Miles. You make it almost too easy.”

Miles just rolls his eyes and snatches the pomade from Alex’s hand, readying himself to make him and Alex matching once again.

**~**  
**July 1 st, 2018  
**

This is the first time they’ve shared a stage since their tour together in 2016 as the Last Shadow Puppets, and this is the first time Alex has genuinely enjoyed performing since then as well.

He hears himself announce 505’s beginning and Miles’ entrance, but he’s not really aware of the fact he’s doing it. It feels like he’s going through the motions, as it frequently does lately, in the haze of this tour with the Monkeys. The dynamic is very different now that Matt, Nick, and Jamie are all settled with wives and kids and Alex is on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend of over three years. It’s uncomfortable, it’s weird, it’s changed, and Alex feels very disconnected and out of it lately.

But not right now. Not right now that Miles is approaching his perch at his tiny piano in that white Adidas track suit he wore during their TLSP tour the last time they played in Scotland. Not right now that Miles is leaning down and kissing his cheek and whispering into his ear. He honestly can’t hear what Miles is saying, but he has a good idea of what it is, and just being close to Miles always makes him smile and act a bit different. A bit more himself.

Miles moves away from him to fiddle with the knobs for his guitar, and Alex starts saying some nonsense into the microphone just to make Miles laugh. It works, and it makes Alex laugh too, a little burst of air coming out of his lungs as he watches Miles throw his head back and cackle in that way that always makes Alex’s chest cave in on itself. Alex has missed Miles so much during this tour. Nothing will ever be the same as their tour together, and he’s realizing that now more than ever as he feels himself lose steam with every show they play, versus with Miles when each show made him more energized than the last.

As they’re leaving the stage, Miles arm comes around his waist for the briefest of moments, and that’s what makes him realize he’s making the right decision in regards to Taylor. That slight, barely there touch sparks something in him that no woman ever has, and he feels almost like he’s been leading Taylor on in how head over heels he’s become for Miles during the entirety of their relationship. He _did_ love her, but never the way he loves Miles, and he’s sure she knows it on some level.

Miles is Miles, though. And if Alex has learned anything in the past ten years it’s that nothing will ever be able to change that.

**~**  
**August 18 th, 2018  
**

“I want you to have this.”

He looks up and sees Miles walking into his sitting room holding a wine red short sleeved shirt. Alex smiles a bit, knowing exactly what it is, and feels his heart flutter at the meaning of the gesture.

“You want us to be matching again?” he jokes as Miles sits down on the settee next to him. He places the book he was reading to the side and lets Miles scoot closer so they’re pressed together.

“Perhaps,” Miles answers. “or perhaps I want the most important person in my life to have something from my clothing line before anyone else.”

“Well isn’t that kind of you,” Alex tries to sound light, but he knows Miles sees right through him. He takes the shirt from Miles’ hands and runs his fingers over the Fred Perry emblem on the front. “I’m truly honored, Miles Kane.”

Miles groans and rolls his eyes. “You need to stop calling me by my full name, Alexander. I feel we know each other a little too intimately for that.”

Alex snorts. He leans over and kisses the side of Miles’ neck, right beneath his ear, and just sits for a moment. He feels Miles’ hand start running over his still freshly shaved head.

“I’m still not used to this,” he says in a much softer voice than the one he used to tease Alex less than two minutes ago.

“Me neither,” Alex mumbles. “I sort of regret it.”

“Why? I think it looks cool.”

“Yeah, I know _you_ do,” he smiles and leans his forehead on Miles’ shoulder. “I miss my hair. I shaved it to prove a point, but I think all I did was just make myself look ten years older.”

“A point?” Miles laughs. “And what was that, that you continue to be a dramatic stereotype and have to wildly makeover your look every time you experience a breakup?”

“Something like that,” he says in a much more somber voice than Miles expected.

A moment passes. Miles cups Alex’s jaw and pulls his face up to look him in the eye.

“Al?” he prompts, watching Alex close his eyes briefly before he answers.

“I just feel so pathetic. And alone,” he finally says. “Like I’m slipping back into it again. As if there are a hundred eyes on my every move and… any decision I make is bound to be some kind of spectacular mistake for everyone else’s viewing pleasure.”

“Well,” Miles replies as he runs his thumb over Alex’s little scar under his eyebrow. “You’re not pathetic by any means. And you’re not alone. You’ll always have me.”

“I know.” He looks Miles dead in the eyes as he says it. “I know that, don’t I?”

Miles drops his hand and looks down at his lap. “Sometimes I think you take it for granted,” he says in barely a whisper a few moments later. He and Alex have had conversations like this maybe a hundred times since Miles began de facto living with him in London earlier in the month but he’s still insanely nervous every time it begins again. He wants to trust Alex, he really does, but he can’t shake the fear that one day Alex will pull a 180 and go cold on him.

Alex doesn’t seem to have heard him though. He reaches over and puts his hand on Miles’ thigh and kisses the side of his head. “Do you want curry for dinner?”

He simply looks up, nods, and gives Alex a quick “love you” as he stands to leave the room to find his phone and order their dinner.

**~**  
**September 13 th, 2018  
**

“I’m gonna miss you, Miles,” Alex whispers into Miles’ shirt. Alex got back from the last Monkeys’ show in London an hour or so ago, and after quickly rinsing off he joined Miles in his bed. Tomorrow Miles leaves for Florence and tomorrow Alex leaves for Birmingham. They don’t really know when they’ll see each other next since they’re both off touring for the next couple months, and so Alex is clinging to Miles as if they’ll never see each other again after this.

“I know,” Miles says, running his fingers up and down Alex’s spine. Miles, if he’s being honest, is incredibly nervous. He knows Alex has been talking to a girl he met in France in July, that he’s starting to panic again, and that this distance that’s about to be between them is not going to result in anything good. At least not anything good for their relationship.

“Thank you for performing with us this other night,” Alex says after a while of them just lying in each other’s company. “It was the most I’ve enjoyed performing since the last time you did 505 with us.”

Miles laughs a little and sits up a bit so he can look Alex in the eye. “Are you doing alright?” he asks even though he knows the answer. He and Alex have been living together for a month now, so Miles knows exactly how Alex is doing. But still, Alex never says it, Miles just knows because he knows Alex, and asking directly helps get Alex out of his head.

Sometimes. Alex takes a moment before he just says “yeah” very simply and quickly. He’s sat up now too, pulling at a thread on his shirt.

“Al?” Miles pushes, reaching to cup Alex’s cheek. When Alex does raise his head ever so slightly to look up and meet his eyes, they’re full of nothing but genuine concern. Alex just smiles a little.

“I’ll be fine,” he says softly before leaning in and kissing Miles to divert and end the conversation. He doesn’t want to get into how he’s doing. He doesn’t want to waste these last few hours with Miles being sad and anxious.

And, clearly, Miles doesn’t either if the way he kisses Alex back is anything to go off.

**~**  
**October 4 th, 2018  
**

Miles would rather rip off all his fingernails than meet Alex’s new girlfriend.

This isn’t like the previous times he’s met Alex’s girlfriends for the first time. Alex hasn’t been acting like himself lately, and when he mentioned he’d be in Paris the same day as Miles’ show and Miles had invited him to perform with him, he expected it to go very differently. Alex had barely mentioned the latest dull model type he’s been playing house with, and so Miles figured things weren’t serious and maybe were ending soon, and that this was Alex’s way of reaching out to try and continue where they had left off in September when Alex went back on tour and he went off to Italy.

He couldn’t have been more wrong.

Not only was Alex rudely late, and a little too drunk for how early it was, he was also glued at the hip to his girlfriend the entire night. As if to add insult to injury. Aside from the three minutes he was on stage, Miles didn’t see him alone the entire night.

When Alex introduced Miles to his girlfriend, it felt almost surreal. It was as if she had sucked all the energy out of Alex and was running on the stamina of two people combined. Alex’s arm stayed around her the entire time, much to Miles’ distaste, and though he’s able to be friendly and put on a good show when he has to, he knows Alex can see through it. But Miles can see through Alex just as easily, and the pure emptiness of his eyes the entire night did not go unnoticed by Miles.

He almost wishes he hadn’t even asked Alex to perform with him. Miles feels like he’s really come into his own this past year, what with his album he’s beyond proud of, the new friends he’s surrounding himself with, the level of comfort he’s finally reached with being as open as he wishes about his sexuality and what have you, but for some reason tonight he feels like he’s right back on stage in March 2016 deep in Alex’s shadow.

He feels stupid for the silver paint he’s put on his face. It feels flashy and cheap and he can’t shake the waves of insecurity that overtake him every time he notices Alex watching him from side stage. Not necessarily because of Alex but, again, because of the girl he’s got following him around like a lost dog. They’ve barely talked since Alex left to go on the UK leg of the Monkeys’ tour. And between Alex’s shaved head, the dark sunglasses covering his face, the suit Miles doesn’t recognize, the sloppy 5 o’clock shadow on his chin, the lack of emotion in his eyes, and the girl he doesn’t know or particularly like, Alex is basically a stranger to him right now.

And then the moment comes. Miles introduces Alex to the crowd as his “brother,” mostly because he knows it gets a rise out of Alex – he can already hear him complaining that their relationship could not be further from that of siblings. They’ve sang this song together on stage hundreds of times and never once has it felt wrong. Miles didn’t think it was possible for this song to feel wrong on stage when it’s the two of them singing. And yet.

Something about the fact it’s his band and not Zach, Loren, and the string orchestra playing the music makes it all feel even more off. It’s like it’s not even their song – it’s just some quick two and a half minute cover they’ve thrown into the setlist for the sake of the fans, who are currently screaming louder than they have the entire night. To make matters even worse, Alex wouldn’t share the microphone with him until the very end of the song, instead standing a carefully calculated distance from Miles, sunglasses still on, separate mic in his hand as he sang looking down to the ground. Miles finds himself wanting the stage to open up and swallow them both.

When Alex finally does come over to share the microphone, he’s got his arms behind his back, and only reaches out to touch Miles’ shoulder lightly in the last chorus. It’s like he’s forgotten how to act around Miles. Maybe his new girlfriend doesn’t know about them. Miles isn’t sure how that’d even be possible, but she seems oblivious and enraptured enough with Alex to overlook any possible ripple in the bliss she thinks she has with him. Or maybe Alex has simply changed his mind again.

Miles feels Alex’s hand slide into his hair at the very end, and then he’s pulling Miles’ face towards him to plant a quick kiss on his cheekbone. Miles barely registers it. It feels forced and performative, and Miles’ cheek burns in the worst way where Alex’s mouth was a second before.

After the show, Alex is nowhere to be found. Miles later learns Alex ducked out shortly before Miles arrived to the after party because his girlfriend was tired or some lame excuse along those lines. He doesn’t know why he expected differently, but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt.

 _M: Was hoping to see you after the show_ , he texts Alex later when he’s sufficiently intoxicated enough. Alex responds almost instantly.

_A: I’m sorry._

And then, over five minutes later:

_A: I’m scared, Miles._

He wants to scream. Alex is always scared. He’s never met anyone more neurotic than Alex. He thought by now he’d have an idea of how to handle Alex like this, but over thirteen years of whatever their relationship is and he still has no clue.

_M: That’s not an excuse anymore._

_M: I thought things were going to change._

And because Miles is drunk, he doesn’t stop himself from hitting send on the next text.

_M: I can’t keep waiting on you like this._

Alex doesn’t reply. He doesn’t expect any differently, but again, that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t feel like his heart is being ripped out of his chest.

**~**  
**March 24 th, 2019  
**

Alex wasn’t there. Twice. Miles only has one birthday, but somehow Alex managed to miss it twice.

David, Zackery, and other shared friends of theirs had brought Miles a cake to celebrate his birthday since they couldn’t be there last week when it actually happened. Alex couldn’t be there either, even though he was in LA for the first time since last June, and apparently, he can’t be here now in Mexico City. Someone told him that he and the rest of the Monkeys needed to catch up a bit on their sleep before the show tonight, but Miles knows Alex, and he knows that Alex would pass up an opportunity to sleep if it meant he could be with Miles. Or at least that’s how it used to be.

So, he wasn’t there. It’s fine – 33 isn’t that big of a birthday anyways, Miles is going to see him any moment now, and it’s fine. He’s been telling himself it’s fine for the last six months and somehow, he still can’t truly convince himself. The last time he saw Alex was New Year’s, and all they did was fight, fight, and fight – about god knows what, all Miles can really remember is that he was angry, and Alex was unhappy, and his annoying French girlfriend was on his arm the entire night. Miles’ stomach aches at how tense things are between them, and so he does everything he can not to think about it. It’s hard to avoid now, though. Now that he’s opening for Alex’s much more successful band.

He finds Alex between his set and Arctic Monkeys’. He hates that he’s the opener. As much as he loves Alex and appreciates the opportunity to perform to a bigger crowd than he usually does, he hates feeling like he’s merely “Alex Turner’s friend.” Especially since right now they barely feel like friends.

“Al,” he calls when he sees Alex amble out of a dressing room. He looks up and Miles swears he’s gone back in time. The last thing he expected to see was Alex with his hair slicked back like it’s 2014. It throws him for a second and he and Alex sort of hesitate and stumble when they see each other.

“Hey,” Alex says as he approaches. They’re face to face now and Miles can’t help but scan Alex’s face – his dark circles are worse than usual, his eyes are red, hair is slightly too short still for the way he’s gelled it back. He’s like a sloppy clone of his 2014 persona that lacks the energy Alex had then. But that’s Alex’s depression at work, Miles knows.

“Sorry I couldn’t be at the little celebration the guys threw for you,” Alex apologizes as he stares up at Miles who’s still staring at him with a confused, dazed expression. He blinks once, twice, and processes what Alex just said.

“It’s alright,” he lies. “I can see you’re tired. Glad you got some sleep.”

Alex looks down and shifts from foot to foot. Suddenly he grabs Miles’ wrist and pulls him into the dressing room he came out of, shutting the door behind them. It almost feels like during the Shadow Puppets tour when Alex would find an empty room for the two of them as soon as he could after they’d walked off stage, unable to contain himself, though this time it’s a very different mood. A mood Miles is much less excited about.

“Will you perform with us tonight?” Alex asks nervously after a moment. “I miss being on stage with you more than anything.”

Miles snorts. “More than anything? Really?”

“Miles,” Alex almost whines, running his hand through his hair. “Please. You know what I meant. I miss performing with you. I miss _you_.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Miles shoots back.

“I’m sorry,” Alex says softly. Miles can tell it’s genuine – this is the first time he’s seen actual emotion in Alex’s eyes since September when he performed 505 with Alex and his bandmates in London. He opens his mouth as if to say something, but quickly stops himself. And then, like he can’t stop himself, he blurts out, “Come to South America with me.”

Miles eyes shoot up at that. Alex instantly regrets saying it. As much as he does want Miles to come on tour with him, the incredulous look of hurt in Miles eyes makes him wish he’d kept his mouth shut.

“You’re still with her, aren’t you?” Miles asks after a moment. Alex fiddles with a hangnail and takes a few moments to answer Miles very basic yes or no question. Eventually he just nods. Miles knew the answer before he even asked, but hearing (or rather seeing) the confirmation still makes his stomach twist.

“Fuck you, Alex,” he spits. “Don’t ask me to come on tour with you when you still have a girlfriend. A girlfriend you clearly don’t seem to have genuine feelings for if the way you’ve been acting is anything to go off. You can’t expect me to act like your partner when you’ve made it clear these last few months that’s not what you want.”

“I’m sorry,” he says again in a small voice. “You’re my best friend.”

“And apparently nothing more.”

“Miles,” Alex says firmly. Miles doesn’t even know why he’s so angry right now. He knows it’s stupid to waste these few hours they have together being mad, but he can’t help it. “I’m just – I’m not ready.”

“You’ve had thirteen years to make yourself ready, Alex,” he says as he watches Alex shut his eyes. “You’ve had all this time and all you’ve done is get yourself involved with these obnoxious girls you build some hollow life with but refuse to be faithful to because you can’t live without me.”

“I know,” he whispers. “Please just come with us. I need more time with you.”

Miles wants to bite back at him so bad, but he doesn’t want to hurt Alex any more than he already is, even if Alex may deserve it for how he’s hurt Miles.

“I’m going to Tulum with Jay and his girlfriend after this,” he finally replies. “Sorry. Hope you and your girl enjoy South America though.”

He tries to pretend he doesn’t notice the tears welling up in Alex’s eyes as he leaves the room without another word.

**~**  
**June 23 rd, 2019  
**

In short, Alex has had better evenings in Paris.

He thought showing up at the Celine show Miles was sitting front row at without telling Miles would turn out to be a good thing, but watching Miles in the front row, laughing it up with the girl sat beside him just makes his stomach twist. He knows he has no right to feel this way, as he’s consistently been in relationships since he was 18, and it’s not like Miles is even flirting with this girl – it just hurts to watch Miles do so well without him in his life.

His relationship presently is beginning to fall apart, and given the terrible context it began in Alex can’t say he’s exactly caught off guard by how things are turning out between him and someone he hasn’t even known a year now, but he has yet to tell Miles. He hasn’t truly confided in Miles in what feels like ages. Any time the topic of Alex’s romantic life comes up Miles gets upset and diverts the subject – to be fair, though, Alex doesn’t want to listen to Miles’ romantic and sexual endeavors that don’t involve him either.

After the show and after all the photos have been taken, he sees Miles see him as he’s smoking, tucked away in the corner, hidden behind his dark sunglasses and trying to go unnoticed. The look that crosses Miles face is almost comical, but it does nothing but make Alex’s heart ache. Miles seems to dismiss himself from the conversation he’s a part of, and then he’s making his way across the garden to Alex.

“I didn’t know you’d be here,” he says once they’re close enough to hear each other over the noise around them. Alex winces a bit. Miles didn’t even say hello, or his name, or make any sort of move to hug or touch him. It’s like they don’t know how to be around each other anymore. Alex feels sick.

“I wanted to see you,” Alex says simply. Miles raises an eyebrow and takes a knowing sip of his drink before turning and leading them to the street where they’re out of everyone else’s eyesight.

“Are you alright?” Miles asks. “You seem a bit… down.”

Alex twirls the cigarette in his fingers and doesn’t make eye contact with Miles. “Yeah,” he finally says, still not looking at Miles’ face. “Things aren’t really working with Louise.”

Miles snorts instantly and Alex still isn’t looking but he knows Miles is rolling his eyes. “Were they ever?” he asks, and Alex wishes he hadn’t said anything. “Is that why you came to see me? You’re lonely?”

“I miss you,” Alex whispers, glancing up as if to try and memorize Miles’ face. He has a sinking feeling that this “spontaneous” encounter is going to backfire on him, and that Miles is going to be even further from him after this.

“You’ve had countless chances with me, Alex,” Miles states emotionlessly.

Alex just nods and drops his cigarette, stomping it out under his shoe. He doesn’t know what to say. He wishes he hadn’t come. He’s not ready. He’s not ready to bite the bullet and end things with the woman he’s been using as a worthless distraction, he’s not ready to confront his issues, and he’s certainly not ready to try and win Miles back. He just didn’t think it’d be this painful to see Miles and have it hurt this much. Which, to be honest, was a ridiculous thing to expect.

“Alright then,” Miles says after Alex is silent for too long. “I’m going back inside.”

Alex just runs his hand through his hair and finally meets Miles’ eyes. “Can I see you? Sometime after this?”

“I’m about to go back on tour,” Miles answers, effectively denying Alex’s request.

“Oh,” Alex starts, feeling himself shut down and go right back into the emotional coma he’s been existing in for the last year. “Okay. Well. I’ll be around, then.”

Miles just smiles a bit and reaches for Alex, pulling him into the most pathetic hug. It barely lasts two seconds, but Alex sinks into it and clings to Miles as much as he can. He wonders if Miles can feel what he’s trying to communicate, or if Miles has given up on him already. He deserves it, if he has. He’s made his bed and Miles is making him lie in it.

“Bye, Al,” Miles says as he pulls away and turns to walk back into the party. Alex just stands for a moment, unable to look away until Miles is out of sight. The second Alex can’t see him anymore it’s like all the color has been drained from the world, and he feels like crying, but at the same time feels nothing at all. The tether he’s always felt to Miles is pulling at him now more than ever. And as disgustingly romantic and pathetic as it is, it feels like in his leaving Miles has taken Alex’s heart with him.

**~**  
**September 2019  
**

Alex is single.

And Alex is a fucking coward.

He is, he truly is. Everything he wants most in life has been handed to him on a silver platter and all he’s done is fuck it up time and time again. He doesn’t deserve what he wants but at this point he can’t go on without trying for it. He just can’t.

In the last two years he’s had two official breakups, one unofficial but significantly more impactful one breakup, seven different hairstyles, three cities of residence, and approximately 700 days he wishes he could redo.

He’s seen very little of Miles since Mexico. The only time they’ve properly seen each other since was the Celine show, and then again August when Alex told Miles he’d ended things with his last girlfriend and asked for help moving back to his flat in London. He tells himself it’s because Miles has been busy touring and because up until less than a month ago he was mainly living in fucking Paris, but it’s more than that. Miles has been avoiding him, hanging out with people who are very much _his_ friends and keeping himself very occupied in the studio when he’s not on tour. And Alex hears the lyrics Miles broadcasts on his Instagram stories. Alex Turner, front man of Arctic Monkeys, may not have an Instagram account, but Alex does, and he keeps watch on Miles and sometimes Beyoncé. But mostly Miles. He even learned how to turn on notifications so he’s told every time Miles posts, as after a certain batch of videos from Miles at the gym, he decided he didn’t want to risk missing anything else.

But more importantly he’s learned he’s hurt Miles even more than he realized, and he knows now how Miles feels – after all, Alex always knows who he’s angry with, and if Miles is upset, the entire world knows it. Alex just never expected to be on the receiving end of Miles’ upset like this. But he can’t dispute that he deserves it.

It’s been barely over a year since the last time he found himself alone in this flat processing a breakup with a woman who thought he was her forever and who he’d lost any interest in (assuming there was any to begin with). He wants to ask Miles to stay with him again, like they have so many times before, but he knows what that will imply. Alex calling Miles and inviting him to his home, newly single – he knows Miles will take that as a sign Alex wants more. And maybe he does but right now he honestly can’t handle the conversations that will incite. He needs to be alone for a bit. Properly alone. The last couple years have been nothing but one part of his life imploding after another, and this is the first time since before the Monkeys’ last album came out that he feels like he can breathe.

So he doesn’t call Miles. Not yet at least.

He spends some time in London. By himself for the first time in a while. He makes good use of the bath he had put in for his very tall ex-girlfriend and falls asleep in a tub of bubbly water on several occasions. He sees Jamie and his new baby, he goes up to Sheffield to visit his parents and Nick, he lets his hair grow back. It’s back to where it was before he shaved it now and he’s glad. It makes him feel more like himself.

He goes to New York to see Zackery, this time without a girl in tow, and finds Lola much warmer to him this time. He knows she still hasn’t quite forgiven him for how things ended with Taylor and probably never will, but at least this visit she’ll smile and make eye contact with him. Last time he was here she’d deliberately gone to LA to see Taylor; Alex can’t pretend he doesn’t get it.

He goes to LA to get his house in order and see Matt who’s still processing divorcing the mother of his child. Seeing Matt and hearing how he’s been dealing with a split that’s far more painful and challenging than anything Alex has ever experienced helps put things in perspective a bit. He spends some time at his house in LA, dusting off all his flat surfaces and running the sinks and showers that haven’t been touched in months. He misses this house. It’s where the last Arctic Monkeys album was born, it’s where he lived with two women he loved, it’s where he and Miles came to the decision to resurrect the Shadow Puppets. It has a lot of emotional significance to him and he wishes he were strong enough to live here again. The LA sunshine was good for him. The anonymity LA gave him was good for him. The fact Miles lived seven minutes away was very good for him.

Miles. In all this time he’s still just thinking about Miles. By now he’s sure Miles knows he’s back living in London, 100% single – surely word has gotten back to him through Zackery, or Matt, or Lola probably, and he hopes Miles understands what he’s doing right now.

Alex is still very scared. He doesn’t think he’ll ever not be scared. But he knows Miles is the only person who has ever and will ever make him feel the way he does, and he _knows_ he cannot live another day without Miles. The connection he has with Miles is unlike anything he’s ever experienced, and he aware he’s been a complete idiot to damage their relationship as many times and in as many ways as he has. Miles understands him in a way no one else does and is the only person that makes him feel brave enough to face the anxiety that’s thus far pushed him into making the wrong decision time and time again.

He’s a coward, but he’s working on it – and he trusts Miles enough to understand what he’s doing.

**~**  
**January 6 th, 2020  
**

And so today’s the day. Alex wakes up to some birthday texts from Zackery, Matt, a few others. He has a text from Miles as well, simply confirming their time and place for dinner tonight. Alex is glad Miles is having him over rather than coming here – there’s far less negativity and baggage associated with Miles’ new flat than there is with Alex’s.

Alex spends the entire day alone. This is probably the first birthday he’s been this alone on since he was a teenager, and realizing that makes his heart ache. He’s spent these last few months doing what he should’ve been these last few years – learning how to be by himself, trying to face all the shit he’s buried and refused to deal with for so long – but it’s culminated in this. In Alex, alone in his flat on his birthday. Sure, he’s seeing Miles tonight, but things between the two of them are maybe the worst they’ve ever been. Well, no. The worst was probably between January and April of last year. He doesn’t think Miles has ever been so upset with him. And he deserved every bit of it. He knew it then and he knows it now.

He spends the day sat around running his fingers over pieces of furniture Miles picked out or just particularly liked. He stares for a while at the shelves of photos he has of him and the other Monkeys when they were younger. He gets a call from his mom and talks to her for a while. He throws away some items that were somehow still here from his exes and throws away some items that were always his but remind him too much of women that are no longer in his life.

It’s been raining all day, which just feels incredibly cliché. At one point Alex literally finds himself staring out the window at the rain, sat at his piano with surely a miserable expression on his face as if he’s in one of the melodramatic films he watches. But the time passes.

Before he knows it it’s time to head over to Miles’. This is probably the only thing he’s ever been on time for – Miles might not even be ready for him yet, he realizes as he trudges up the steps to Miles’ door.

Miles apparently is expecting him though, as the door swings open before Alex can even lift his hand to knock. Their eyes lock and for what feels like an eternity but is probably just a few seconds they stand and stare as if stunned by the other’s existence.

Miles is the one to break the silence, of course.

“You’re on time,” he says. Alex snorts; he knew Miles would mention it. Miles still knowing and preparing for all his bad habits sends a wash of warmth over him, and suddenly he feels a hundred times less nervous about tonight. This is Miles. Miles who is best friend. Miles who has known him almost fifteen years and still not turned his back on him no matter how much he may deserve it. Miles who clearly still loves him in some capacity and who he loves with his entire heart. It’s just him and Miles, having dinner like they have a million times before.

“Thought if I were going to be once it should be now,” Alex replies, a small smile spreading across his face.

“Well, come on in then,” Miles turns a bit to make space for Alex to enter and gestures towards the inside of his house. Alex walks in slowly, noticing that nothing has changed about Miles’ flat since the last time he saw it. Another thing that makes him feel calmer.

“I’m making your favorite,” Miles says as he comes up behind Alex, hands resting on his waist unexpectedly. Alex startles a bit, and then sniffs.

“Arribbiata?” he asks. Miles nods and lets go of him to lead them into the kitchen. “Smells great.”

“Oho why thank you,” Miles says in one of their voices they reserve for when they’re fucking around with each other. Alex’s heart flutters a bit. “And happy birthday.” He swoops in and kisses Alex’s cheek as he says it, and Alex feels like he can’t breathe. The way Miles is acting is as if nothing has happened between them, and he can’t decide if this is better or worse. He’s spent the last few months convincing himself he deserves every bit of Miles’ anger, and now face to face with him, Miles doesn’t even seem bothered. He’s acting perfectly normal, but Alex can tell there’s something simmering beneath the surface. Whatever it is, though, Miles is clearly not trying to come right out the gate with it.

“Thank you,” Alex replies. “And thank you for making me dinner, Miles. You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to,” he answers instantly, turning back to the stove to stir the tomatoes and onions around. “I didn’t get to see you your last couple birthdays so I wanted this one to be special.”

Alex is blushing. He’s glad Miles is turned around still so he can’t see it. “Even though I chose not to see you on your last birthday?”

Miles stills. He turns back to Alex. “Yes,” he says slowly, as if explaining something to a small child. “Even though you chose not to see me then. You were going through something and I should’ve been more understanding.”

“Miles,” he practically exhales. Miles is looking him dead in the eye and he feels his heart hammering against his rib cage. “I’ve really missed you.”

“I missed you too, Alex.”

They stand there for a moment, just observing one another, and then surge towards each other at the exact same time. Alex’s arms go tight around Miles’ shoulders, one hand shooting into his hair and nose pressing into where his neck meets his shoulder, while Miles’ arms are even tighter around Alex’s waist, one hand pressed firmly between his shoulder blades and the other curling around his side, his face pressed to Alex’s neck. They freeze like this and just breathe each other in, and it is as if nothing has changed between them. It’s just the two of them against the world, like it always has been, and it makes Alex even more sure of the conclusions he’s reached in these last few months. He’s been a fool to run from Miles the way he has, and he can only hope it’s not too late to fix what he’s done.

~

They eat in amicable silence. Miles’ cooking is something he’s also definitely missed in this long stretch of time they’ve been apart. Even though he has most of Miles’ recipes he can never get it the way Miles does – but maybe that has more to do with it being from Miles than Miles following instructions better than him.

As they were cooking and as they’re cleaning up Alex asks Miles about his life and Miles asks Alex about his life, and slowly they refamiliarize themselves with each other’s worlds. Genuinely not much has been going on with Alex, so he’d much prefer to listen to Miles’ stories from tour and in the studio. He does mention how he’s been visiting their friends, though, and how it’s helped him. Miles’ eyes are warm as they settle on him.

“You seem better, Al,” he says fondly, drying a plate in his hands but mechanically as if he’s not thinking about it. Alex smiles.

“I feel better,” he answers. “And I owe you an apology. Lots of apologies, actually. “

“Al, really, you don’t—”

“No, Miles, listen,” he insists. It’s the most assured he’s sounded the entire time he’s been here, and it puts a halt in Miles’ protest. He’s all ears now and Alex feels his nerves creeping back on him. “Look. I know I haven’t been the greatest friend this last year or so. And whatever I was going through is no excuse for how I treated you. You—you’re my best friend in the entire world, and I don’t think I could ever live without you, and.. and I just feel like I came so close to losing you so many times this past year. I’d never be able to live with myself if it came to that. So. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I really am, because you mean the world to me and I’ve done nothing but be shitty to you all because I couldn’t handle my own feelings and face my fears. And that’s not fair to you and… I just hope you can forgive me.”

Miles is silent for a moment. Alex is staring at his hands on the counter, trying not to literally count the seconds it takes for Miles to respond.

When Miles does respond (sixteen seconds later), it’s by putting his arms around Alex again. Alex melts instantly, curling into Miles’ chest and making himself even smaller, and he feels that ever familiar pressure in his chest and hot tears forming in his eyes, and then before he can stop it, he’s crying. He’s crying against Miles’ chest even though he’s the one who’s in the wrong and who’s apologizing. He feels awful for being like this, but it’s started and he can’t stop it now.

Miles’ patience with him is clearly never ending, though, because all he does is run his hands up and down Alex’s back slowly enough that Alex thinks it might kill him. Once he does stop, take a few very deep and shaky breaths, Miles kisses his hair and asks if he’s okay. If _he’s_ okay.

“Yeah, yeah I’m alright, sorry,” he manages to get out, still not looking at Miles’ face. “God, I’m such a mess, I don’t know how this became you comforting me.”

“Don’t apologize for that,” Miles whispers into his hair. “Al, you’re… you’re the most complicated person I know, and I want you to be honest with me. I know you were going through it, but you shut me out, and it hurt. You’re my best friend too, and nothing will ever change that, not even your fears and insecurities no matter how hard they try to bite away at you, but I can’t go through this again in any capacity. If you’re going to apologize you can’t do this again. Because I don’t think I’d be able to live in a world where you aren’t in my life either.”

Alex inhales slowly and presses his forehead to Miles’ collarbone for a moment. His smell is incredibly comforting, and since Alex didn’t think he’d ever be this close to Miles again it almost overwhelms him in how much it relaxes him. But it gives him the courage to respond to what Miles just said.

“I don’t want to do this to you again,” he says. “I can’t do it again. All that time… it was so hard without you. I spent so much of it trying to convince myself that I could be happy with you at an arm’s length and avoid having to face what scares me so much, but I can’t. It almost killed me, it felt like. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as empty as I did this last year or so. All the days I spent without you, hurting and knowing you were hurting because of me but being too scared to do anything that would fix it… it was so awful. I— I just missed you so much, Miles.”

Miles tightens his arms around him. “I missed you too, Alex, God, you have no idea.”

Alex finally lifts his head up to look Miles in the eyes. They’re both a little teary-eyed, watching each other and trying to read the other’s mind. Their telepathy has slowly been rekindled throughout the evening, and Alex feels it now more than ever. He knows Miles has forgiven him, even if he may not feel he deserves it yet. He knows he likely has nothing to be scared of in terms of rejection when it comes to Miles and what he really wants, but he knows that Miles knows it’s not going to happen just yet.

But he can read the longing in Miles’ eyes easily as merely a reflection of his own. He leans in slowly, pressing their foreheads together and running his fingers through Miles’ hair. It feels so good to touch him like this again. Talking to Miles is one thing, but this, the physical intimacy, makes Alex’s skin feel like it’s on fire. It makes his heart race and it makes him feel more at peace than anything else in the world.

This moment in Miles’ kitchen feels reminiscent of when they were in Spain on tour and they’d stared into each other’s eyes on stage in this exact manner. Alex had been so overwhelmed by his love for Miles then that it threatened to consume him, and all he could do was act on it to avoid actually imploding. Being on a stage every night with Miles made him feel comfortable and brave enough to be himself fully – be it the antics, the absurd dance moves, the outfits, the over the top flirting with Miles, all of it – and he misses how safe he felt then.

He feels safe now, though. He feels safe and understood and more secure than he has since probably 2016. He really is a fool for taking this long to accept the fact that Miles is the only person he really needs.

**~**  
**February 14 th, 2020  
**

It’s been a little over a month since Alex’s birthday. His birthday which turned out to be quite climactic and very anti-climactic at the same time. He and Miles had made up, but as best friends. After their little moment in Miles’ kitchen they’d gone and watched a movie (Alex’s pick), Alex fell asleep on the couch on top of Miles, but that was it. Miles didn’t move them to his bed or anything like he normally might. He instead also fell asleep on the couch and then in the morning offered Alex breakfast, which Alex turned down, feeling bad about possibly overstaying his welcome, and that was it. They’ve seen each other several times since, but it’s always been purely platonic – or at least as platonic as the two of them can be. They haven’t kissed or talked anymore about their relationship in the ways Alex wants to. He may have figured out what he wants in this time, and he may know that Miles at one point wanted the same, but that was before he fucked up again and again and he’s frozen by fear that Miles may have changed his mind.

But today is Valentine’s Day. Alex knows Miles isn’t seeing anyone and that his day/night are free, and being the hopeless romantic he is, he feels like that’s a sign. Him and Miles have never spent this holiday together, as there hasn’t been a single year neither of them were in a relationship at this time, and Alex feels like if he’s going to go for what he wants it should be with some grand gesture. Miles is a sucker for those after all, and Alex can’t deny that he is too.

He’s decided to make Miles’ favorite meal, chicken pasta with pesto, the same way Miles made Alex’s favorite meal for his birthday. He’s not the greatest cook but in the last several years he’s definitely gotten better, and hopefully, if things go well, he’ll have the chance to show Miles in the morning how he’s learned to scramble eggs the way he likes. But as it is, he’s setting the table, pouring two glasses of some fancy wine, he’s got lit candles around, a vase of flowers between their plates, and he’s just hoping he doesn’t fuck it up yet again.

He’s insanely nervous. He’s planned out what he wants to say and practiced it like an anxious teenager in the mirror over and over. He’s wearing what he knows is one of Miles’ favorite outfits on him – faded jeans and one particular grey sweater he wore during the Puppets tour all the time. Just seeing it in his wardrobe earlier brought back a slew of memories from that tour, and so he’s sure it’ll do the same for Miles.

Miles is knocking at the door. He’s perfectly on time (which is to say ten minutes late), and Alex sneaks a glance of him through the window before opening the door. He’s in what is one of Alex’s favorite outfits of his – the white Fred Perry shirt with the black detailing he let Alex have for a bit when he was out on tour, black jeans, and a leather jacket that’s technically Alex’s but has been in Miles’ closet for several years now. It seems Miles is trying to set off a reel of memories with his outfit the same way Alex is. Telepathy, Alex muses.

Alex opens the door and meets Miles’ eye. Before he can even open his mouth to say anything, Miles is beaming at him and moving in to scoop him into a quick hug.

“Hey, Al,” he says as he lets go and welcomes himself in. “Your place smells amazing.”

“Oh, hey — yeah, thank you,” Alex stumbles out. Miles has been here less than thirty seconds and he’s already throwing Alex terribly off his game.

Miles starts walking into the kitchen of his own accord. Alex follows and returns to his place at the stove, stirring the pasta and checking the chicken. “I see you’re making me favorite dinner on Valentine’s Day.”

“Oh, is it Valentine’s Day?” Alex plays, smirking, still facing away from Miles. “I hadn’t even realized.”

He can practically hear Miles roll his eyes. “You got something on your mind?”

“Perhaps,” Alex says. This isn’t the time, but at least now he knows Miles knows what he’s doing here. And based off how he’s behaving Alex feels like his chance of rejection is lower than he’d stressed himself out to think. “But how about we eat before any of that.”

“Alright,” Miles concedes, coming up behind Alex. “Tell me what I can do to help.”

~

With the addition of Miles’ superior cooking skills, they finish the meal and are seated and eating in under ten minutes. Miles smiled knowingly at the absolutely cliché romantic setup Alex has going as he sat down, and they both eat in silence and at a speed that suggests they haven’t eaten in weeks.

“I feel thoroughly wined and dined here, Alex,” he says when they’ve both almost cleared their plates. “Please send my compliments to the chef.”

Alex blushes and eats his last few bites of pasta, as if trying to avoid the topic he’s set up this entire evening to discuss. The more time that passes with Miles in his house, at his table, drinking his wine, the more nervous he becomes.

“I’m glad it was up to your standards,” Alex says teasingly when he finally does respond.

“So,” Miles begins. “What’s the occasion? Since you’d forgotten it’s the most romantic day of the year, that is.”

“Well,” Alex says as he looks up to meet Miles’ eyes. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”

“Aren’t you always?” Miles jokes when Alex pauses and doesn’t seem like he’s going to continue. Alex smirks a bit and puts his fork down.

“Remember that one interviewer during the Puppets tour who asked us what we’d do for each other on Valentine’s Day?”

“Yes,” Miles snorts. “I also remember you saying, ‘well it’s not like _that_ , Kat.’”

“I remember that too,” Alex says quietly. “I know you want me to be honest with you. And I know I haven’t been. But it’s… I haven’t been honest with myself, either.”

“So… it _is_ like that, then?” Miles has a smirk on his face as he says it, but Alex is so nervous and strung up on how to get out what he wants to say that he doesn’t know whether or he reacts or not.

“I guess it is,” he finally agrees. “God, I’ve done nothing since I ended things with Louise except think about how to tell you what I want to tell you now and I somehow can’t do it.”

Miles frowns. He stands up after a moment and grabs Alex’s hands, dragging him out of his chair and leading them to Alex’s settee in the other room. Miles lies down with his back against the arm of the couch and pulls Alex down, arranging them so Alex is lying on top of him with his ear to Miles’ chest, right over his heart. Miles has his arms around him and lets one of his hands gently move across Alex’s back.

“Just take your time,” he whispers into Alex’s hair. “I’m listening.”

Alex nods. He takes a few deep breaths and then lets the floodgates open.

“Miles,” he says with much more conviction than before. “Miles, I love you. I always have, and I think you’ve always known it, but I’ve been too scared up until recently to really accept how I feel and what I want. You know I’ve always had trouble with my sexuality, and what our relationship suggests about it. I’m not.. I’m not gay, but if I’m being completely honest, ever since our tour together I haven’t been able to really feel in love with a woman. After the Puppets you consumed me every waking moment, you were all I could think about, and I realized I’d never feel the way I feel about you with anyone else, not Taylor, definitely not Louise, no one. And it terrified me. I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never been comfortable with being out of control in a relationship, and with you it always feels like my heart is in your hands at your mercy, and I just couldn’t handle it. I’ve never really been comfortable with myself, either, in any regard, and you know this, how I am on stage is always a character — not fully, it’s still me, but it’s not _really_ me. I guess it’s a defense mechanism of sorts, but I was being myself during our tour and it freaked me out the way people reacted. There was never anything particularly bad, of course, but they were reacting to _me_ and it just… It scared me that the world had that piece of me. And so I retreated back into myself, and I started pulling away from you, all because I was afraid and couldn’t handle being honest with the world if it meant being honest with myself.

“And then the tour with the Monkeys started, and I was too much myself in a very different way. The album we put out was so personal to me and it got such harsh criticism when it did get criticism; even though I know there were people who enjoyed it, the criticisms stuck with me so deeply and got in my head, and I just lost it. I never told you but I was going to come clean to you after you did 505 with us in September, but then you went to Italy, and you seemed so happy being without me and all my angst that I got scared again, and I made the terrible decision to start seeing Louise. Who I _know_ you didn’t like. You can be fake nice all you want but I know you couldn’t stand her. And, since I’m finally being honest, I couldn’t really either, but after a while it became more work to end things with her than to just keep pretending it was fine. I got sort of trapped, trapped in my terrible decision I let go on way too long and that almost cost me you, and I’m still so sorry for that. I know I really hurt you, Miles, and I never want to do that again. I would understand if you never forgave me. In fact I’m surprised that you have forgiven me, or at least aren’t throwing it in my face like I deserve. But you’re what I really want, and I’ve been so stupid to deny it all this time and hurt us both. I… I love you, and I can’t pretend I don’t anymore.”

Miles is still. His hand isn’t moving against Alex’s back anymore, and if Alex couldn’t hear his heartbeat, he may have become concerned. He didn’t expect Miles to have an instant response to the speech he just gave, but he’s still crazy nervous as he waits for Miles to reply.

“If that’s not what you want, I get it,” Alex flounders after too much silence passes. “I know I really fucked up. I was spiraling and it felt like the protective glass box I’ve had around me all my life had been shattered and that I was being eaten alive by everything I’ve ever tried to ignore, but I know I hurt you and if you don’t want to be anything more than this I—”

“Alex,” Miles finally says, cutting his nervous rambling off before it can go any longer. “I never would have forgiven you if I didn’t think you were going to finally be honest with me. I know you’ve always struggled a lot with, well, depression, amongst other things, and I never wanted to pressure you or push you too fast, and so I’ve learned to wait—”

“And I’ve learned that I can make you?” Alex jokes despite how serious the conversation is.

“Yeah, you have,” Miles breathes. “You really have learned how to make me wait, Alex. But you’re you. You’re my best friend, my Al, and I want you to be my partner. You’re worth all the waiting and all the heartache. I’ve never felt as understood by anyone as I do by you, and there’s no one in the world who gives me what you do creatively, physically, emotionally, all of it. I never imagined it would be this hard or take you this long to come around to it, but you know I struggled with my sexuality too, no matter how comfortable I am with it now, so I get it. And I couldn’t expect you to change overnight. But I just... I knew in my heart that you would, and you have, so… yes, Alex. I want what you want. I love you, and I want to be with you.”

Alex leans up so he can look Miles in the eye, and when their eyes meet Alex suddenly feels nineteen and like they’re laying eyes on each other for the first time all over again. It’s love at first sight, and they’re soulmates, twin flames, whatever you want to call them, Alex knows they are. Miles smiles brightly at him, and Alex knows the same smile is on his face as he stares down at Miles with pure adoration in his eyes, but he’s so overwhelmed by what Miles just said that he can’t even feel his face anymore. He can’t feel, smell, hear, see anything that isn’t Miles. Which is how it always has been, but right now, they are really the only two people in the entire world, and Alex wouldn’t have it any other way.

Miles’ hand goes up to run through Alex’s hair, coming to rest at the back of his neck. “May I have this dance, Mr. Turner?” he says in that one voice they always use, and Alex feels his blood race a little faster in his veins. He nods instantly, and then Miles is using his grip to pull Alex’s face down, and then they’re kissing. It feels like it’s been a lifetime since they’ve kissed, but neither of them have forgotten each other’s flair, and they fall back into it as if they never stopped. Alex is already moaning softly at the taste and feel of him after so long and after spending so much time convincing himself they’d never do this again.

Alex shuffles around so he’s straddling Miles, bringing his hands up to cup Miles’ jaw, all while keeping their lips attached. Miles sputters a bit when Alex’s knee accidentally jabs a soft spot on his leg in his haste to move into this position, and Alex laughs softly into his mouth, muttering a quick “sorry” before resuming their kiss. Miles’ hand moves from his neck down to his hips, fingers pushing up under his shirt. He sits up, using his grip to secure Alex to his lap like a call girl, and then wraps his arms tight around Alex’s waist, pulling their chests together and kissing him with even more gusto than before. He can feel Alex breathing heavily, exhaling through his nose onto Miles’ face, and it only spurs him on more. He hasn’t been this close to Alex in so long it almost doesn’t feel real. Part of Miles thinks if he stops kissing Alex he’ll vanish into thin air and this will all turn out to have been some very detailed and elaborate dream.

Alex pulls away first after what feels like an eternity, gasping for air, arms now wrapped around Miles’ neck, their foreheads pressed together. His eyes are shut, but he’s smiling. The pressure of Miles’ arms around him is the only thing keeping him from just up and floating away into space. He opens his eyes after a moment to find Miles’ watching him with a look of awe on his face, and they stay like that for a second, just observing one another.

“Hi,” Alex whispers. Miles bursts out laughing, throwing his head back, and Alex follows him, collapsing forward and pressing his face into Miles’ neck as he laughs along with him. “Don’t laugh at me,” he says through his laughter, lightly swatting at Miles’ arm.

“I’ll laugh at you all I want,” Miles says, running a hand through Alex’s hair to pull his face up so they’re eye to eye again. “I’ve got lots of time to make up for.”

Alex shakes his head and just leans in to kiss Miles again. It’s barely even kissing, as Miles won’t stop smiling, which makes Alex smile uncontrollably, and then they’re laughing again into each other’s mouths. “You can’t let us have a single romantic moment,” Alex whines. “I’m trying to kiss you and you won’t stop laughing at me.”

“That _is_ romance, Alex,” Miles insists. “I’m laughing because I’m happy. I’m happy because we’re finally here, and because I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Alex says softly. Miles smiles widely, and kisses the corner of Alex’s mouth, then several spots along his jaw, before biting at his earlobe for the briefest of seconds and leaning back.

“You wanna watch a film then?”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Alex groans, standing up and pulling Miles with him. Miles instantly wraps his arms around Alex again and kisses him ardently as they stumble their way to Alex’s bedroom, tripping over their own feet in their refusal to let go of each other even for a second. They end up on Alex’s bed, Miles on his back and Alex straddling him again. Alex leans down to kiss Miles, open mouthed and needy, hands beginning to run under his shirt and across his chest. Alex had almost (almost) forgotten how muscular Miles was, and feeling his prominent abs under his fingers makes him moan suddenly into Miles’ mouth. He sits up to pull off his soft sweater and then leans back down to push Miles’ shirt up until Miles gets the hint and sits forward so he can all but rip it off of him.

“That’s designer, be careful,” Miles says as Alex tosses his shirt carelessly onto the floor. Alex shakes his head with a fond smile on his face and moves back down to kiss Miles once more. This time he lowers himself so their chests are pressed flush together, and the warmth of Miles’ skin against his makes Alex feel like he’s submerged in a perfectly heated tub of warm water. Miles’ fingertips running up and down his spine send jolts of electricity through him and he starts moaning into Miles’ mouth and grinding his hips into Miles’ instinctively, without thinking about it. Miles bites at his lip before using his strength to flip them over so Alex is on his back and Miles is between his legs.

He’s taken aback for a moment by the look on Alex’s face. Alex is staring up at him, legs spread and hair tussled, eyes half lidded and Miles can almost see every single one of those long eyelashes. Something about Alex in that moment, on his back and completely submissive to Miles, makes him realize properly for the first time tonight how vulnerable Alex is really being with him. They’ve had sex hundreds of times, but they had never so openly expressed their feelings about one another before, and in this moment Miles feels Alex’s trust in him, feels the truth in every word that came out of his mouth earlier, and that he’s finally ready for the level of commitment Miles has wanted for ages.

He crawls on top of Alex slowly, resting his arms on either side of his head and settling between his legs as he leans down to brush their mouths together softly once more.

Alex whines quietly and lifts his head to press his lips firmly to Miles’, grabbing a fistful of his hair and knotting his fingers into it as Miles’ tongue slips into his mouth. Miles feels quite pleased with himself when Alex wraps his still clothed legs around Miles’ waist to pull him closer. It sends a shiver through him to see that even after all this time Miles’ effect on Alex hasn’t lessened in the slightest.

He moves down to kiss along Alex’s neck, teeth scraping lightly along the spots Miles knows get to Alex the most, and sure enough after barely a second Alex is arching his back up and pressing into Miles’, panting heavily as Miles’ mouth continues to move across his skin. Miles reaches his collarbones and bites down hard enough that Alex winces, sucking gently to leave a mark like the possessive bastard he is. Alex feels caged in by Miles in the best possible way, and Miles’ heart is racing at finally seeing him like this again.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers against Alex’s skin. Alex’s hands tug at his hair and then lose all their grip when Miles’ mouth goes to one of Alex’s nipples. As Miles expected, Alex exhales breathily and trembles slightly beneath him as he presses his face to Alex’s chest. Even though things have changed time and time again between them, they still both know each other like the back of their hand.

“Miles, I— I need you to…,” Alex starts, tightening his legs around Miles’ as he tries to find the words. Miles smirks and moves one of his hands to press against Alex’s cock through his jeans, feeling the heat and hardness of him beneath his palm. Alex groans loudly before he continues. “I need you to fucking hurry up already.”

Miles laughs again and moves to kiss Alex once more, soft and lingering, before sitting back and tracing his eyes over Alex beneath him. “All this time and you’re still as needy as ever,” he teases as he starts unbuttoning and unzipping Alex’s jeans.

“Only with you,” Alex answers, eyes wide as Miles grins and finally slides Alex’s jeans down and tugs them off his legs. He runs his hands up the back of Alex’s thighs, grabbing his arse and listening to Alex moan softly. He leans down and kisses Alex’s stomach before pushing his legs apart so he can kiss along the skin of his thighs. Alex can feel him smiling against his legs when his hands move into his hair again.

“I nearly forgot how vocal you could be in bed,” Miles says, and the blush that rises to Alex’s face is unmistakable. He leans up on his elbows and finds himself breathless at the sight of Miles crouched between his legs, mouth against his thigh. Miles smiles and reaches for one of Alex’s hands, twisting their fingers together and lightly biting Alex’s thigh before moving back up to Alex’s face to kiss him again.

“You’re being a lot gentler than I expected you to be after so long,” Alex says as Miles runs his other hand through Alex’s hair, tracing his widow’s peak, kissing his jawline and raising an eyebrow when he processes Alex’s words.

“I’m being _romantic_ with you, not gentle.”

“You’re holding my hand, Miles.”

Miles laughs and kisses Alex again, feeling Alex’s other hand fiddling with the zip on his jeans. He moves back to finish what Alex started and peel his jeans off his own legs, then moves onto Alex again, their faces inches apart.

“Are you sure—”

“Yes,” Alex breathes out before Miles can even finish his question. That’s more than enough for Miles, who kisses Alex breathlessly in response and moans in time with Alex at the warm, wet sensation of it. Miles scrambles to push both of their boxers off their legs, and then glances back at Alex’s face.

“Still second drawer?” he asks. Alex merely nods as Miles reaches over to his bedside table and searches around blindly for the bottle of lube.

He pours some onto his fingers and then sits back between Alex’s legs, reaching under and running one of his fingers over Alex’s skin. It’s been truly forever since they’ve done this, but with Alex panting, naked and flushed beneath him Miles feels like nothing has changed at all. He presses his finger into Alex and almost laughs when Alex instantly gasps for more. He’d be a fool not to comply and so he slides another finger in alongside, smiling when Alex whines and pushes back against his hand.

“How long since…?” Miles tries to ask as he spreads his fingers inside Alex and brushes a third against him.

“It… not that long, you won’t hurt me, I promise,” Alex answers, stumbling over his words. He can’t concentrate right now but he knows Miles gets what he’s saying. Miles just nods and pushes his third finger in when Alex starts practically begging for it, and it never fails to amaze Miles how much pleasure he can bring Alex just with his hand. He moves down so they’re face to face again, pushing Alex’s hair out of his face and kissing him urgently, barely able to wrap his head around the fact that they’re together and that Alex wants this from him and only him.

He’s still moving his fingers in and out of Alex agonizingly slow and Alex is pushing back on his hand and muttering Miles’ name every so often. When Miles leaves his lips and shifts to press his mouth to Alex’s thigh once more, kissing his way up his leg and taking his cock into his mouth for the shortest of moments, Alex arches his back and almost comes right then and there, yanking Miles by the hair to stop him. Miles giggles and bites at Alex’s hip once before moving his fingers out of Alex and sitting back again.

“God, Miles, I fucking missed you,” Alex gasps as Miles lets him breathe for a moment while he slicks himself up with the lube.

“I know,” Miles says simply as he pushes Alex’s legs up, kissing Alex closed mouthed and gently, lining his cock up against him and pushing into Alex slowly. Alex’s mouth falls open and Miles’ face stays close to his, their lips almost touching as they watch each other once more.

“You can move now,” Alex says the instant Miles is all the way inside of him, his dark, wide eyes hyper focused on Miles’ face. Miles doesn’t have to be told twice, starting to thrust his hips slowly as he listens to the breathy moans coming from Alex’s mouth. Alex’s legs go tight around Miles’ waist, his arms looped around his neck, and very quickly Miles’ pace speeds up and he feels himself being pushed into the mattress beneath him. His skin is simmering and it’s been _so_ long since the two of them were here, and it all feels like more than just sex. The hopeless romantic in him wants to say it’s because they’re in love but he can already hear Miles making fun of him for it, so he keeps his mouth shut and listens to Miles moaning against his neck as he pushes into him. Alex doesn’t know why he ever gave this up, or what could have possibly scared him so much that he felt he had to. They’re moving together so easily and naturally, anticipating each other’s every need and desire with a chemistry and mutual understanding Alex has never experienced with anyone else. Absolutely no one has ever or will ever have the effect on him that Miles does, and he doesn’t want to kiss, touch, or sleep with anyone ever again who isn’t Miles.

Miles’ mouth against his neck and hand moving firmly around Alex’s cock makes him feel like he’s going to fully come out of his skin. When Miles shifts his angle just the right amount, Alex cries out loudly and arches his back, whining as Miles’ mouth latches onto his collarbone again, and then he’s coming onto Miles’ hand and onto his own chest. His nails dig into the skin of Miles’ back and his eyes shut tightly, unable to think about anything except how Miles is making him feel. He feels like thick lava is running through him, his limbs all feel like jelly and all he can sense is Miles, Miles, Miles around him.

When Alex does finally come around and open his eyes he finds Miles staring down at him, hips still moving slowly against his own, and he nods to signal he can go on. He runs his fingers through Miles’ hair as the feeling of Miles still moving inside him, oversensitive and exhausted, makes him want to melt into the fluffy sheets beneath him. The look in his eyes as he stares up at Miles, pupils blown and lips parted, is full of nothing but love and it gets to Miles more than anything else. He moans when Alex pulls his head down so he can bite along Miles’ neck, urging him on, and feels Alex smile when he finally does come, gasping Alex’s name, before collapsing on top of him.

He buries his face in Alex’s neck as he feels his soul reenter his body, pulling out and rolling onto his side, moving Alex with him when he remembers how to breathe. Alex is kissing his chest feather light, and Miles lifts a hand to run through Alex’s now very ruffled hair.

“I never want to go that long without shagging you again,” he whispers, and he feels Alex laugh before he hears it.

Alex moves so they’re face to face, chests pressed together, and kisses Miles so slowly and deeply that Miles thinks he may be dying. If he had any doubts before about Alex’s real feelings he has absolutely none now. He can feel Alex’s heartbeat against his own and it’s the only thing that verifies to him that this is real and truly happening.

“Do you want to shower?” Alex asks when he pulls away, pressing his sweaty forehead to Miles’. Miles hums and pulls him closer, kissing him again before responding.

“In a minute,” he mumbles, tracing patterns on Alex’s back, soaking in his warmth and breathing in his scent.

“Okay,” Alex says with a smile on his face and he leans back into Miles’ neck, kissing his pulse point softly. “Take all the time you need.”

~

They lie there for what feels like hours but is likely only about ten minutes, Miles’ fingers again running up and down Alex’s spine, Alex’s hand in Miles’ hair and face in his neck. Alex had his mouth pressed idly to Miles’ pulse point, and every now and then would bare his teeth and bite at Miles’ neck just to stir a reaction out of him, which usually came in the form of a soft laugh and his arms tightening around Alex.

When Miles does reluctantly start making moves to get out of bed, it’s by rolling onto his back, and since Alex is clinging to him as though his life depends on it, he ends up lying on top of Miles, their faces inches apart. “I’m sweaty,” he whines, unable to stop smiling as Miles simply rolls his eyes at him. “And I feel gross.”

“Come on then, diva,” Miles says. “Get off me so we can shower.”

Alex just groans and doesn’t move, even though he was the one who suggested the shower, and so Miles sits up, forcing Alex to move up with him. Alex kisses his jaw once before reluctantly climbing out of bed and holding his hand out to Miles, who takes it with a smile on his face.

As Miles is turning on the shower and checking for it to warm up, he spots Alex out of the corner of his eye just watching him with a hazy look in his eyes. “What?” he says, watching Alex blink a few times, as if snapping himself out of a trance, before uncrossing his arms and moving towards Miles. He shakes his head a bit and pulls Miles into a hug, pressing his nose into the soft spot just below his ear and sighing.

“I’m just really happy,” he whispers into Miles’ skin, and since they’re so close he can feel Miles’ heart beat faster in response. They stand there for a moment just holding each other until Miles reaches an arm away from Alex to feel the water, announcing it’s warm enough and leading them into the stream of hot water coming from the shower head.

The instant they’re under the water, Alex wraps his arms around Miles again and presses his face into his shoulder. Miles pushes his hands into Alex’s hair, letting one slip out and run across the back of his shoulder, feeling the water hitting Alex’s back.

“This isn’t gonna help you get any less sweaty, you know,” Miles teases. Alex just clings harder to him.

“Shhh,” he sounds. “You wore me out. It’s been a while. Let me hug you.”

“You can hug me all you want, Al,” Miles laughs. “Do you want me to wash your hair? Just like the old days.”

Alex chuckles and moves his head back to meet Miles’ eyes, feeling how Miles’ hand doesn’t leave his hair. Their eyes lock and Alex mumbles a soft “sure” in response to Miles’ question, letting Miles turn him to wet his hair. He’s vaguely aware of Miles reaching for the shampoo bottle while keeping one hand still tangled into Alex’s now wet hair, and then Miles is massaging his scalp. His eyes flutter shut and he can’t help the soft moan that bubbles up in his throat. It really has been a while since they’ve done this especially – Alex can’t even remember the last time they showered together, and god, he’s missed a lot of things about Miles, but Miles washing his hair is close to the top of that list. Nothing feels quite as good as Miles’ fingers tugging ever so gently on his hair, his short, blunt nails scratching Alex’s scalp at the same time. Miles is standing so close to him their skin is touching everywhere, Miles is all he can sense and for what feels like the millionth time tonight he’s overwhelmed in the best possible way by the man in front of him.

“That feels so good, Mi,” he whispers when Miles gently guides his head back to rinse out the shampoo. His eyes are still shut but he knows Miles is smiling, and sure enough, when he does open his eyes, Miles has the warmest smile on his face Alex may have ever seen. It stirs something in him, and before he can stop himself, he’s pressing Miles against the tile behind him and kissing him fervently. Miles gasps when Alex’s lips crash into his but quickly sinks into it, opening his mouth and letting Alex’s tongue find its way in, hands sinking back into Alex’s hair to hold his face to his. Alex’s nails are pressing into his hips and very quickly he feels Alex grow hard against his leg, and feels all the blood in his own body rush to the same spot.

When Alex does pull back, he instantly attaches his mouth to Miles’ collarbone, biting the same way Miles did on his own, and then moves to his nipple, where he lingers to pull those throaty moans out of Miles again and again. He sinks down onto his knees before Miles can react and kisses and runs his fingers over the toned muscles on Miles’ abdomen, moaning almost as much as Miles is even though he’s the one on his knees.

“Alex,” Miles gasps when Alex’s hand wraps around his cock. Alex smirks and bites Miles’ hip bone before licking a wide stripe along the underside of Miles’ cock, listening to the moan that floats out of Miles as he does so. Miles’ hands are both in his hair, but passively, just holding Alex there, and if Alex is being honest, he’d prefer Miles be a little rougher with him. He loves the soft, slow, sweet sex, but he’s missed _Miles_ , Miles who throws him onto beds and shoves him against doors, who face fucks him and bites and scratches him up. He misses that Miles just as much as he misses this Miles, and right now, he’s aching for it, the feel of Miles’ hard cock against his tongue only serving to heighten his own arousal.

“Harder,” Alex groans as he sinks down on Miles’ cock again, and he knows Miles understands what he means. Their telepathy has returned in full force, and sure enough, when he glances up, Miles is looking right down at him, his mouth hanging open, and he just nods before tightening his fingers in Alex’s hair. Alex licks around the head of Miles’ cock once, sucking gently, and then lets his mouth sink around to the base of his cock and lets Miles have his way with him.

He’s barely even aware of the water that’s still running over both of them, unable to focus on anything that isn’t Miles’ hands pulling his head down, Miles’ cock in his mouth, and his own aching cock between his legs. Miles lets him up to breathe and Alex groans once, leaning his head back to give Miles a full view of the surely lewd sight of spit all over his mouth. Miles makes a loud noise that vaguely resembles Alex’s name and pushes Alex’s head down again. Alex puts one of his hands on Miles’ hip and wraps his other around his own cock, unable to ignore it any longer. His body feels like it’s on fire; he’s missed being submissive in this way, as he never has quite managed it with a woman, and it’s always, _always_ different with Miles. He can’t help that he comes the second he feels Miles come in his mouth, moaning around his cock at the sensation and the noises Miles is making echoing off the tiles around him.

Miles’ hands loosen in his hair and then slide down the back of his neck, landing weakly on his shoulders as he falls back onto his arse, panting heavily as he tries to recover from what just happened. He looks up to see Miles already looking down at him, and then they both start laughing. Alex takes Miles’ outstretched hand and rises to his feet, immediately letting his weight rest on Miles and leaning in to kiss him with their bodies pressed flush together.

“I feel ever dirtier now,” Alex giggles against Miles’ mouth, butterflies floating through his stomach when Miles just nuzzles his nose against his own and wraps an arm around Alex’s waist.

“Please,” Miles starts. “Don’t act like you haven’t been absolutely _gagging_ for the opportunity to have my cock in your mouth again.”

Alex sputters in pretend-offense and swats at Miles’ chest. “What sort of slag do you think I am?”

“Oh, I know exactly what sort of slag you are, my love,” Miles smirks, and then leans in to kiss Alex again, their tongues pressing against each other and making them both moan softly. Once they finally have enough of tasting each other’s mouths, Miles does force them to actually shower and clean up, ever the responsible one. Alex returns the favor and washes his much shorter hair, and they both lazily rub soap on the other’s body, refamiliarizing themselves with each other’s skin, going on until the water starts to run cold and their fingers are pruning up. Miles turns to shut the shower off and immediately Alex protests at the cold air now rushing against his skin, reaching for the towel rack and throwing one at Miles while wrapping one around himself.

They end up standing in the middle of Alex’s bathroom, Alex holding his towel out to Miles while he’s dripping water onto the floor.

“Can you?” he asks with his best puppy dog eyes. Miles rolls his own and pretends like Alex is making him – as if he wasn’t about to offer the second before Alex asked.

“Yeah, ‘course,” he smiles, taking the towel and drying Alex gently, watching the content expression come across his face as he goes ever more pliant under Miles’ hands. Alex has his eyes closed, and Miles can’t help but catch him off guard, swooping in to press their lips together. Alex inhales sharply and then melts into it, his hands coming up to hold Miles’ face as Miles ties the towel around his waist and pull him closer with his hands on the small of his back again.

“Cheeky,” Alex mumbles when they break apart. “You want tea?”

“I would love tea,” Miles accepts Alex’s offer and they slowly meander out of the bathroom to put boxers and t-shirts on. Alex puts on one of Miles’ merch shirts and Miles bursts out laughing when Alex turns around and has ‘MK’ printed across the front of his black tank in bright pink letters.

“You like?” Alex laughs, slinking closer to Miles.

“Love,” Miles answers. “Nice to see you’re still my biggest fan.”

“That’ll never change,” Alex says, kissing Miles once and then leading them into the kitchen to fix that cup of tea he had offered.

Miles watches Alex practically bouncing around his kitchen in search for tea, sugar, the kettle, honey, whatever, as he moves to collect their dishes from earlier, fully ignored after Alex’s revelation began, and it feels like it’s been a lifetime since they were sat there confessing their true feelings to one another.

“Hey, Al?” Miles says quietly as he places their plates in the sink and the memory of earlier comes flooding back to him. Alex spins around and stares at him with an eyebrow raised.  “Can I ask? When did you… know you felt something more about us?”

Alex ducks his head and fiddles with the box of tea in his hands. After a moment he lifts his head, but doesn’t look Miles in the eye. “I don’t know, honestly,” he finally says. “Probably during TLSP. There was one night, the night we were in Spain, I just remember… I remember not being able to stop looking at you. And Taylor was visiting, but all I wanted to do was go be with you, even though she was my girlfriend I hadn’t seen in over a month. But I think I’ve always known, and I just didn’t want to accept it, because then… I don’t know. Then it’d be real, and if it were real I couldn’t pretend to be happy with my life as it was anymore.”

Miles nods and presses his lips together. “I knew there was something more between us was when we were recording for TLSP. That night we were lying on the window bench and Zackery burst in with his camera. I remember feeling like the earth had shifted beneath us. It sounds so cheesy, but there was just something in your eyes.”

“You really waited five years for me?” Alex breathes out. “You realized five years ago there was something more between us, pushed and pushed at me, even when I treated you like shit, you still waited? Why?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Miles scoffs. “I love you, Alex, but I will never be able to wrap my head around the way you see yourself. You’re the most wonderful person in the world. You’re kind, you’re humble, you’re smart, creative, passionate, and you make me happy like no one else. You’re my soulmate, probably, and no matter how much it hurt and how much I probably should have I could never walk away from you.”

“You’re my soulmate, too,” Alex says, smiling a bit. “I’m sorry I made you wait. I’ve been in a rough place, to say the least. But you make me happy and you make me feel whole. Every relationship I’ve ever been in, even Alexa, it always felt like something was missing. Something was just slightly wrong. It got worse and worse with each relationship, and I’ve realized now it’s that I never felt like I could actually be myself – I was always the ‘rock star boyfriend,’ and having to keep playing pretend even in what should’ve been my most relaxed moments caught up to me. But I’ve never felt that with you. Even from the first day we met I always felt like I could be myself around you. In fact, I feel more myself around you than I do literally anyone else. Even Matt, who I’ve known since I was a kid. There’s just something about you, Miles. And now that we’re here I don’t think I’ll ever be able to walk away from you either.”

“Glad to hear it,” Miles says with a grin on his face. Alex laughs a bit and moves into his space to kiss Miles, slow and lingering, Miles’ hand coming up to cup Alex’s cheek, their mouths moving against each other as if they have all the time in the world. Which, honestly, they do. Alex does pull back though to finally make the tea they came down here for, pouring the water into two mugs and handing one over to Miles, who says “thank you” in perhaps the most obnoxious Cockney accent Alex has ever heard him use. Alex bursts out laughing and they collapse onto the couch again.

“I’m picking the film,” Alex says before Miles can protest, reaching into his bin of DVDs and just pulling out the first one his hands land on.

“It’s not like we’re going to be paying much attention anyways,” Miles says under his breath as Alex fiddles around with the disc and the TV.

“Oh? And why’s that?” Alex jokes, looking back to Miles when he stands to put the DVD on.

“Come here and I’ll show you,” Miles says teasingly. Alex jumps back onto the couch, letting one of Miles’ arms go behind him and the other reach across his front to grab his waist and pull his body into Miles, their mouths crashing together. Alex instinctively reaches up to grab Miles’ face, opening his mouth and sinking in to the kiss. The movie has started and they can both hear the soundtrack and dialogue beginning, but they’re too caught up in their tongues in each other’s mouths to pay any attention to it.

They don’t spend the entire movie just making out, but they don’t pay attention to a moment of it either. Whenever they stop kissing, they’re staring into each other’s eyes as if making up for all the lost time. As the movie ends, they find themselves in a position they’ve been in a hundred times before – Miles on his side with his back pressed to the back of the couch and Alex on his side facing Miles’, back to the TV. Miles has his arms around Alex’s waist and Alex has his forearms pressed to Miles’ chest and his fingers playing with the collar of his shirt.

“Wanna go to bed?” Miles asks quietly after a few moments pass in silence. Alex just hums and leans forward to kiss Miles before pulling away and nodding. Neither of them move, though, staying pressed close together from literal head to toe, just breathing each other’s air. Miles’ hand moves to run through Alex’s hair again and again, and Alex sighs softly, letting his eyes slip shut.

“I’m so in love with you, Miles,” he says so quietly Miles wouldn’t have been able to hear if they weren’t so close. Miles’ heart starts racing, and he’s sure Alex can hear and feel it against his own chest.

“Al,” he all but exhales. His mouth hangs open for a brief second as he tries to think of what to say, but eventually gives up and just pulls Alex in for a deep kiss, one hand tangling in his hair and the other pressed against the small of his back. They kiss for what feels like a lifetime, and only pull back when they need to breathe, still pressed together as close as can be.

“I never thought I’d hear you say those words,” Miles murmurs once he catches his breath enough.

“I didn’t either,” Alex whispers back. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come around, but I hope you know by now I love you more than anything. And I always have. I’ve just been…”

“Scared?” Miles supplies when Alex seems to be struggling.

“Yeah. Scared. I guess… I’ve never really told you about when I was growing up. I knew I was into guys all the way back then, but I couldn’t accept it. I heard the way everyone talked about gay people, and hearing their hatred and disgust… I internalized so much of it, and I hated myself for how I felt for so long. Even when I met you, I hated myself for being so attracted to you. But you’re different, obviously. It’s just taken me a really long time to properly accept the fact I’m… that I’m not straight. It’s a part of myself that I’ve repressed beyond belief and that’s tormented me so much, but you understand, and you make me feel accepted and loved in a way no one else can even come close to. Being with another man in a long-term relationship is just never how I envisioned my life going, and it’s something that completely clashes with the façade I’ve created to hide behind as a celebrity, and that absolutely terrified me. It still does, a bit. I finally feel ready enough to be with you, though, properly. Not as best friends who sleep together, but as boyfriends. Partners. Whatever. I want to have a life with you as long as you’ll have me.”

“I want that too,” Miles says, pulling Alex into him even more. “And I went through a lot of the same things growing up. But I’ve been exposed to a lot more of modern culture than you have, and the world is very different now. It’s really okay to not be straight, and you’ll feel that one day, I know you will. Whatever I can do to help you feel more comfortable about yourself I’ll do in a heartbeat. As any good boyfriend, partner, whatever would. You know I love you and that I would do anything for you, Al. All you have to do is talk to me.”

“I know,” Alex says, voice a bit shaky as he clings to Miles. “I wish I had talked to you instead of pushing you away these last couple years. It was so hard without you. Especially since you seemed happier than ever, like you were… thriving, and I just felt like I’d regressed. And so stuck. Stuck in these awful patterns and cycles I couldn’t break, meanwhile you’re living your best life for the entire world to see and I was holed up in a Parisian apartment with a woman I couldn’t stand to be around for more than five minutes. I really needed you all that time, but I was the one who fucked up our relationship. And that only made me feel worse. It was all my fault, all my fucking insecurity and self-loathing coming to ruin me, _us_ once more. I didn’t think I’d be able to get out of it, honestly, Miles. I’m just — I’m really happy you’re here. You have no idea how much better you make me feel just by being around.”

“It was an illusion, Al,” Miles says after a moment, fingers twisting into Alex’s hair. “Sure, I was out doing lots of fun things, but I missed you. It all felt very shallow and meaningless without you. I knew you needed me and I should’ve reached out to you more, and I’m sorry you had to go through all this alone. I’m happy _you’re_ here; you’re so much stronger than you realize, Alex.”

“I don’t feel very strong.”

“Well, you are,” Miles insists. “It takes strength to overcome the things you have. It’s not easy, but you made it, and we’re here now. The past is the past, and we can talk about it if you need, but as far as I’m concerned what’s done is done and all that matters is that we’re together now and we’re going to be together tomorrow, the day after that, next week, next month, however long. You’re all I care about.”

“You’re all I care about, too,” Alex says. “You know I’m here for you too, right? I want you to feel like you can rely on me. I’m not fragile and I’m not going to break. I want to be there for you the way you’ve been there for me.”

“I rely on you so much more than you know, Alex,” Miles says softly. Alex lets out a soft sigh, now very exhausted from this emotional conversation. He presses his nose into the dip in Miles’ collarbone and kisses the skin lightly. “Now, let’s get some sleep. We have the rest of our lives to talk about these things.”

Alex smiles widely and nuzzles into Miles a bit more, his heart fluttering at the words that just came out of his mouth. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Alex leans up to kiss Miles softly, before they get off the couch and amble their way to Alex’s bed. They barely detach as they walk, arms around each other and hips bumping. When they do reach Alex’s room, they quickly rid themselves of their shirts and then collapse back into the sheets, immediately reaching for each other and curling together. Alex falls asleep with Miles’ arms around him and for the first time in a long time, he sleeps soundly through the night.

~

Alex wakes up first the next morning, his face pressed against Miles’ chest and arm thrown across him. His heart starts racing when the previous evening comes back to him – Alex finally coming clean, Miles’ reciprocation, them sleeping together, their shower after which turned into another round, and the pure domestic bliss they fell into as they made tea and cleaned up their dinner and then went on to watch one of Alex’s obscure science fiction films (not really paying attention to it as they were too busy wrapped up in each other) before finally going to bed and falling asleep in each other’s arms.

He lays there for a moment just breathing Miles in, trying to memorize the moment. It’s eerily reminiscent of their mornings while they were on tour, and their mornings after Alex had ended things with Taylor and Miles lived with him here in London for a while. But this time there’s a lightness surrounding them; they’re together, they’re honest with each other at last and Alex feels happier than he ever has. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted from him and the dark cloud of negativity and repression that’s been following him for years has finally fizzled out and he can feel all the happiness he’s been denying himself these last few years.

Miles stirs while he’s pondering his mistakes in life, stretching a bit before exhaling loudly and tightening his arms around Alex. “Good morning,” he mumbles groggily, eyes still closed and in a heavy tone that makes Alex’s breath catch in his throat.

“Morning,” Alex whispers back. He sits up and leans in to kiss Miles, who playfully groans and rolls his head to the side, denying Alex.

“You’ve got morning breath,” he explains with a smirk on his face. Alex laughs.

“Since when has that bothered you?” he asks, pressing his face against Miles’ neck and biting at the soft spot right under his jaw. Miles moans quietly.

“Since always,” he says after a second of letting Alex’s mouth linger against his neck. “You’ve just forgotten, I guess.”

Alex snorts. “You’re so dramatic,” he mutters. “Breakfast?”

“Are you asking me to make it?”

“No,” Alex says, pretending to be offended. “I’ve been working on my cooking. I think you’ll be quite impressed by my ability to scramble eggs the way you like.”

“Oh, really?” Miles raises his eyebrows, suddenly more awake than he has been all morning. “Well in that case…”

They get up slowly, brushing their teeth first at Miles’ request and then ambling into the kitchen with their arms around each other. It takes an absurdly long amount of time for them to make five eggs and two cups of coffee, as Miles drapes himself over Alex’s back, wraps his arms tightly around his waist, and won’t let go of him the entire time, leering over his shoulder and pointing out anything he does slightly wrong just to be a menace. By the time they finally do sit down at Alex’s table, though, Miles has to admit that Alex has gotten it right. After six years of Miles trying to teach him, Alex has finally learned how to scramble eggs properly.

“I’m proud of you,” Miles says, meaning for it to be light and teasing, but it comes out much more serious than he meant. Alex stops with his fork halfway to his mouth and just stares at Miles, who’s looking back at him with a hazy look in his eyes.

“Oh?” he prompts.

“About the eggs,” Miles clarifies quickly. Alex laughs quietly and takes the bite he had lingering on his fork. “But also. I’m proud of you for coming to terms with yourself. Obviously, I’m selfishly overjoyed that it means I get to be with you, but… I don’t know, Al. I’m just happy you’re finally happy.”

Alex is wide eyed and looks like he might start crying, which wasn’t Miles’ intention by any means. He gets flustered by the lack of verbal response and Alex’s reaction and starts rambling. “I mean, you finally seem at peace with yourself. These last few years you seemed very… lost. Like you were just treading water, I guess. But you seem better now, and I don’t mean solely because of us. You seem good. Solid. It makes me proud to be with you. I love you a lot, Alex. It’s nice to see you let yourself be loved the way you deserve.”

“Miles,” Alex barely gets out when he finally speaks, tears definitely in his eyes now. He puts his face in one of his hands and reaches with his other to grab for Miles, his shoulders trembling a bit. Miles instantly scoots his chair over so he can wrap his arm around Alex’s shoulder. He’s a bit surprised he’s reacting so much, but he’s especially sensitive and emotional after their conversations the night before, and hearing the words “I’m proud of you” come out of Miles’ mouth just melts him. “I _was_ so lost. It felt like I was coasting for so long, and then I wasn’t ready when things got serious, and I handled everything just so wrong. You’re the best thing in my life, I hope you know by now.”

“I do know,” Miles says as he leans closer to brush his nose against Alex’s cheek.

Alex drops his hand from his face and leans back slightly to meet Miles’ eyes, staring at him in that intense way that always hits Miles right in the center of his chest. Alex reaches up and runs his fingers slowly over Miles’ cheek, letting his hand come down to rest on the side of his neck. “You’re my true love,” he says gently after a moment.

“That left you without a choice?” Miles jokes, referencing Alex’s lyrics like Alex did with his last night.

“Yes,” Alex says seriously. “No matter how hard I tried I could never make myself love you any less.”

“Well, thank god for that,” Miles teases, smiling and leaning in to kiss him. In that moment he knows they can get through anything; if they can overcome Alex’s insecurities, his deepest fears and repressed desires, then they’re meant to last.

And finally, after years of longing and heartache, they’re both right where they belong.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i hope you liked - i spent forever writing this and it was me being purely self indulgent and projecting what i so desperately need to happen re: alex's messy/dumb ass. i know saturn's return technically happens when you're 28/29 but clearly it didn't hit alex till he was 32 lmao. and yes while lots of this is based in reality it is all my interpretation and purely fiction so take it with several grains of salt. i'm not responsible for any manifestation that may happen after this (unless it's good) (pls be good).
> 
> anyway feel free to come scream with/at me on [tumblr](http://fiireside.tumblr.com) any time :)


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